[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Meow
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.