Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie