No chill.
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My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.