I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You Might Also Like
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Beauty and the Beast
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.