It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’d … I’d rather not.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”