i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn