Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg