How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you鈥檒l also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Thoughts and Prayers aren鈥檛 working, it鈥檚 time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don鈥檛 even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
when hoodie season starts don鈥檛 ask me if i鈥檓 wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Welcome to your 40鈥檚. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
馃槀馃槀馃槀
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me: Yes, I鈥檇 like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I鈥檓 not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it鈥檚 a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat