everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]