ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
LMAO
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.