got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening