“Why you watching this shit?”
You Might Also Like
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
WHY?!
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali