They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators