Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Don’t forget to tip your server
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.