SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
so this horse walks into a bar
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Happy Star Wars day!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair