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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.