The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh