jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
based al yankovic
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Chemical wingman
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.