My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages