friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
You Might Also Like
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Good boy 😂😂
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone