Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.