she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Hello Twits.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…