My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?