Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S