Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
#winning
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on