There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.