*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”