Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me irl
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.