If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Matt Goss
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
A wise man once said nothing.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Would you wear it?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?