Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Bit chilly again tonight.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?