Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.