He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”