They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
how was your vacation
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?