Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Anime is real
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄