Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.