Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”