“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
#SaturdayBears
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.