still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You Might Also Like
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.