The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips