“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
finally found a reasonable question
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me