[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A choir of Spring onions
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone