Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏