Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You Might Also Like
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.