When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”