When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet