Thanks to a fan for this one.
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when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?