Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Life hack
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak