When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.