“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…