WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
im all 3